In a surprise move, Texas Governor, Greg Abbott, and Texas Attorney General, Ken Paxton disclosed the secession of the Great State of Texas from the United States of America.
In front of a televised audience, Abbott said, “This is a new beginning for the Lone Star State y’all and I actually am whistlin’ Dixie.” Ken ‘Il Duce’ Paxton, who Abbott appointed Generalissimo of the Texas National Guard, had moved to close transportation into and out of Texas during the previous night. In an effort to calm panicked Texans, Paxton clarified that the borders remain open to barefoot, non-pregnant women, coal-rolling pickup trucks, and all big rigs containing hairspray or beer - with the exception of Bud Light.
Caught off guard, mutton-chopped Civil War reenactor Ted Cruz was spotted at the Cancun airport waiting for a jet sporting the new Texas livery of an armadillo surrounded by barbed wire. According to Cruz, he had received calls from numerous intellectuals such as Ted Nugent and Kid Rock supporting Texas’s independence. Cruz went on to say that Texas was going to right the wrongs of 160 years. Cruz was challenged however by a reporter who bluntly asked him, “Are you lyin’, Ted?”
In an even more concerning turn of events, 30,000 Texan January 6th rioters isolated Democratic enclaves in Austin, limiting access to a single point named Checkpoint Chuck Norris. Paxton lauded the vigilante effort saying that Texas would implement a cultural reeducation campaign in Austin that limited shipments of food to dry-rubbed beef and Lone Star beer.
Fearing widespread starvation of all non-keto-diet Democrats in Austin, the Biden administration announced the implementation of operation Austin Airlift. Air drops of thousands of vegan MREs and cases of California Chardonnay are expected to commence early tomorrow.
Few officials in Washington have had time to react to the dramatic news. Informed of events between rounds of a cornhole game, a clearly inebriated Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh gave an endearing Keanu Reeves-like shake of his mane saying, “No way, bro!”, before graciously offering this reporter a Solo cup of Olde English 800.
Intercepted after a ribald high school performance of Oh! Calcutta!, Representative Lauren Boebert offered her support to Texas saying, “Just like me, Texas Republicans always have a firm grip on things.”